I haven’t written in months for several reasons… I guess you could say I was just living life and getting used to my new environment. Then again, (if I was honest) I should perhaps admit to some laziness too. Part of my recent experience has included an ongoing job search, but this has occasionally been complicated by impostor syndrome.
I should probably start by pointing out that my cynicism, bleak outlook on the world, impostor syndrome and related maladies have their roots in my life before academia. As with many others, these outlooks have some of their origins in toxic family, church, and/or workplace environments. There’s also a generous helping of psychosocial remnants of the apartheid-era (into which I was born) mixed in. If any of these are of interest, drop me a message and may I’ll unpack them at another time.
In any case… A few months ago I wrote another post about some of the reasons that I had decided to leave academia. In it I unpacked some of the reasons I had become disillusioned with the idea of an academic career.
FYI, even as a graduate student, I was never convinced I wanted a career in academia.
If you were able to have honest conversations with a number of academics you will probably find that many will mention or allude to some aspect of “impostor syndrome”. This is not to say that nobody outside academia struggles with this, but its ubiquity in academia is crazy.
Imagine this… institutions that are basically built around making some of the most highly educated people in society second guess themselves and/or feel the need to prove themselves constantly. Add to that the challenge of being a first-generation university graduate and/or coming from a previously disadvantaged group/family, even in so-called post-apartheid South Africa, (both of these labels apply to me, as well as to numerous friends and/or former colleagues) and the prospect of staying in academia is more than a little depressing.
I’ve managed to make a (mostly) clean break from academia, but I do want to publish some of my research. But, leaving that environment doesn’t mean that the impostor syndrome is gone. That sense of doubting whether one’s years of education and/or experience has any real value disappear overnight. Also, it’s been more than a decade since I tried to find a job that was connected to academia, research, or some kind of educational environment. But, in spite of the doubts etc, I’m still aiming to find a way through.
So… after everything I’ve said about academia etc, some might wonder if I regret going to grad school. As I’m writing this, I realise that I haven’t really unpacked my motivations for getting my masters and doctoral degrees. So, I guess that’ll have to be the focus of “To Be Or Not To Be (An Academic), Part 3”.
2 thoughts on “To be or not to be, an academic (2): Impostor syndrome”
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It makes sense but I do feel like you just haven’t quite found your niche.
I get why you’d think that, but I’ve come to think I don’t necessarily have a singular niche.